How am I ?

That seems to be the first question most people ask me these days.
The simplest answer is to just say "Ish".
If I'm feeling like sharing I'll say "relative to last week?" "better/worse"

There's just no way I can describe how I feel some days without going into information that people just don't to hear or deal with. Most just want me to say "good thanks" so they can get on to what it is they want to ask or talk about. Family/close friends excluded.

Tomorrow I receive my third cycle of Vinblastine. I have no idea if it's working. There's been no improvement in any area that I can see. In fact I've started having night sweats again after a break of over four years.
They are not nice and I soak the bed sheets like I've spilt a jug of water in the bed.
I don't sweat from my back much anymore since having radiation in 2008. However I sweat from my arms, legs and chest. When I woke this morning drenched, I lay there watching the beads of sweat form on my arms. Nothing I can do but dry off and put on a dry tee-shirt to isolate me from the cold wet sheets.

I'm taking GCSF growth factor to try and get my white cells back into the normal range as they have been depleted by the chemo and leave me open to infection. Side effects from that include back, muscle and joint pain.
Unfortunately a side effect of the chemo is also lower back pain. :(

My breathing swings from Okish, and then bad to worse. Sometimes in the same hour.
Fatigue levels are very high. I get fatigued and start to cough if I stand up and move around the house. I can only walk very short distances. If I sit quietly in a car for instance, I can go without my oxygen for about 2 hours without too much distress. However it's always nice to put it back on for a small increase in well-being.

I've been bleeding more lately, my arms are a mess. Twice Sarah has bumped into me in the slightest way and I've been left with a 20mm diameter blood blister. I bleed into my stomach too, from where or how we have no idea. All I can do is try and keep my platelet counts up.

Thing is I'm still here to complain about it. For that I'm grateful. I just wish that one of these days I'll get some good news, no matter how small so we can celebrate and feel like it's all been worth the suffering.

Maybe tomorrow's counts will show a improvement.. forever hopeful  :)